Pregnancy
When I became pregnant with my second child, photography had already become an inseparable part of my life — my work, my profession, my joy. Pregnancy was also a joy, something long-awaited that did not happen easily.
Out of anxiety for the future child, I tried to minimize my contact with chemicals, so I decided to continue shooting but postpone developing my personal films and projects until after the birth.
The process of shooting on film resembles pregnancy. You create an image that cannot be seen until it passes through certain stages of transformation. You imagine what might emerge, the way you imagine what a child might look like while waiting for them to be born. But until the film is developed, it is impossible to know for certain. You worry that everything will go right in the process. Some deviations from the norm are unique and beautiful, some are frightening. The most frightening thing is to receive a blank roll of film.
These boxes of exposed but undeveloped film, waiting for their moment to come into the world, feel like children that already exist inside, but have not yet been born. Everything is already there, and I can decide what I intend to do with it. I can develop it carefully and hide it away in a drawer, I can show it to the world, expose something else over it and later look at the strange overlaps that emerge. I can throw it away, choose not to see and not to know.
A practice of trust and a practice of surrender. A practice of observation.
I develop these films gradually. I do not remember what is on them.
Out of anxiety for the future child, I tried to minimize my contact with chemicals, so I decided to continue shooting but postpone developing my personal films and projects until after the birth.
The process of shooting on film resembles pregnancy. You create an image that cannot be seen until it passes through certain stages of transformation. You imagine what might emerge, the way you imagine what a child might look like while waiting for them to be born. But until the film is developed, it is impossible to know for certain. You worry that everything will go right in the process. Some deviations from the norm are unique and beautiful, some are frightening. The most frightening thing is to receive a blank roll of film.
These boxes of exposed but undeveloped film, waiting for their moment to come into the world, feel like children that already exist inside, but have not yet been born. Everything is already there, and I can decide what I intend to do with it. I can develop it carefully and hide it away in a drawer, I can show it to the world, expose something else over it and later look at the strange overlaps that emerge. I can throw it away, choose not to see and not to know.
A practice of trust and a practice of surrender. A practice of observation.
I develop these films gradually. I do not remember what is on them.
Rolls 1 and 2
Fomapan 100
April 10
I am holding these rolls of film in my hands and I do not know what is inside them.
It would probably have been good to write down my thoughts and feelings while I was taking the photographs, but when I am in the process of making something, the anxiety of not knowing is so strong that I can hardly think about it, let alone put it into words. It feels similar to certain superstitions around pregnancy — not speaking too early, not showing photographs, not buying things in advance.
19 May
The photographs have been sitting in Lightroom for over a month and I cannot bring myself to touch them.
Karina and I went for a walk and agreed to photograph each other. I was close to giving birth. Her camera broke and all the portraits of me disappeared. Only a few frames remained on my camera — the ones I asked her to duplicate.
Fomapan 100
April 10
I am holding these rolls of film in my hands and I do not know what is inside them.
It would probably have been good to write down my thoughts and feelings while I was taking the photographs, but when I am in the process of making something, the anxiety of not knowing is so strong that I can hardly think about it, let alone put it into words. It feels similar to certain superstitions around pregnancy — not speaking too early, not showing photographs, not buying things in advance.
19 May
The photographs have been sitting in Lightroom for over a month and I cannot bring myself to touch them.
Karina and I went for a walk and agreed to photograph each other. I was close to giving birth. Her camera broke and all the portraits of me disappeared. Only a few frames remained on my camera — the ones I asked her to duplicate.
Just like this photo.
Roll 3
Ilford Delta 100
27 May
I am not ready to develop this roll yet, but I am developing it together with a client order - the same Ilford 100 - to save time and energy.
Sometimes I labelled the rolls with a date, place, or subject, but this one has no label. Among the bag of films there is one particularly special roll: my friend photographed me naked by the sea. I had never been photographed naked before. I found the courage to do it because she took the photographs and then handed the film back to me.
Usually I do not know the result, but I can guess, because my own eyes have seen what was in front of the camera. With that roll, even that certainty is missing.
I am nervous. What if it is that one?
I do not know whether I am ready to see myself.
31 May
It turned out to be a continuation of the roll with Karina.
How did I happen to pull out exactly that one from the whole pile?
Ilford Delta 100
27 May
I am not ready to develop this roll yet, but I am developing it together with a client order - the same Ilford 100 - to save time and energy.
Sometimes I labelled the rolls with a date, place, or subject, but this one has no label. Among the bag of films there is one particularly special roll: my friend photographed me naked by the sea. I had never been photographed naked before. I found the courage to do it because she took the photographs and then handed the film back to me.
Usually I do not know the result, but I can guess, because my own eyes have seen what was in front of the camera. With that roll, even that certainty is missing.
I am nervous. What if it is that one?
I do not know whether I am ready to see myself.
31 May
It turned out to be a continuation of the roll with Karina.
How did I happen to pull out exactly that one from the whole pile?
One for you. One for me.
1 June
Somewhere on this roll there are a couple of photographs of this beach with pine trees - from our trip to Wales with Zhenya.
There was supposed to be a careful, detailed shoot of me on the verge of giving birth, but we were blown away by wind and rain and only managed half an hour.
It was beautiful anyway.
Somewhere on this roll there are a couple of photographs of this beach with pine trees - from our trip to Wales with Zhenya.
There was supposed to be a careful, detailed shoot of me on the verge of giving birth, but we were blown away by wind and rain and only managed half an hour.
It was beautiful anyway.